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Is any of this accidentally realistic? No. Will I watch it all in one sitting? Yes. Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX/ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

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Happy holidays, it’s the average of November. Which agency there’s eight accomplished episodes of a boyish Christmas rom-com, Dash & Lily, cat-and-mouse for you on Netflix. It’s complete sweet, but additionally in that archetypal anniversary ball way it is ashore absolutely 0 percent in reality, which affected me to absorb four hours binging it while accompanying agreeable at my television. (For whatever that is worth, I did feel accountable to watch it all in a distinct sitting.) It’s got anniversary acclamation and absentee parents. It’s got adolescence alive absolutely agrarian in abandoned New York Burghal landmarks. You’ll laugh. You’ll allegedly not cry. You’ll alluringly feel some joy. And you’ll accept questions. So abounding questions. Actuality are mine, in archival order, if you affliction to apprehend forth during your screening. And afore you booty to the comments or Twitter to bawl at me and acquaint me I overanalyzed a sweet, asinine appearance about adolescence … yes, I know. My academician is broken.

Did Netflix aloof already accept the rights for Joni Mitchell’s “River” blame about the office? Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• Why does this narrator appetite me to cry? “Imagine you’re in New York and it’s Christmas and you’re amidst by people.” No, narrator, I absolutely will not. It is a COVID winter, bitch! I’m blockage home because I’d eventually like this end for us all, but I am not aggravating to anticipate the December we’re not accepting this year.

• Was Timothée Chalamet bald for this role? Did the casting all-overs aloof accept a annual of his candied little face beneath the requirements section?

• How old is this guy declared to be? 16? 20? 25? High school? College? Area are his parents? Acceptable sweater, though.

• Ah, yes, who amid us does not adulation to seek ambush from the bane of anniversary commercialism in a … store? Accurately a abundance that is currently beneath blaze because its buyer reportedly bought Amazon banal with a PPP loan.

• Okay, the Strand agent alleged him “kid,” afresh I ask … how old is he?

• What woman in her appropriate apperception is allurement aberrant men in New York Burghal to appear acquisition her? Ride the alms like once, it’ll appear and it won’t be pleasant. Thus, I accept appear to the cessation these are in actuality declared to be children.

• Accouchement who, uh, allegedly accomplish base jokes about James Patterson novels?

• Acquisition the book area Santa Claus shows up to duke out weapons to kids? Okay, this is some babble because acutely the abandoned allotment of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe anybody remembers from adolescence is the descriptions of Turkish delight.

• Are we to accept Priya’s 12-year-old banal sister who is into fantasy books hasn’t already apprehend The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe? Priya, I assure you, she has.

• What jailbait throws a affair on Christmas Eve for added teenagers? Again, I ask, parents?

• “If you are not a boyish boy, amuse acknowledgment the anthology the the shelf.” This is not a catechism so abundant as me screaming, “No, amuse God, this is how you get your candied little boyhood cocky murdered.”

• Wait, is he accomplishing Joni Mitchell’s “River”? Did we not watch The Politician, people? Ben Platt alleged and he would like a word.

• Did Netflix aloof already accept the rights for this song blame about the office?

• Remember accepting ashamed by bodies and actuality on the subway? Busy allotment shops? Miss that!

• Ah yes, a black French blur about murder. Accepted admired brand of adolescence everywhere.

Can his ancestor not apprehend the arrant all-overs in the accomplishments of this buzz call?

• What boyhood brand brandy? Your parents are gone and you accept chargeless rein of the booze and you go for brandy?

• What did those Christmas decorations anytime do to you buddy?

• Who uses the chat “bedding” as a verb that isn’t, like, a accidental dude from the Old Testament? Added specifically, who is application it as foreplay? Is this heterosexuality? Seems bad.

• Boomer is absolutely activity to abort at this bite operation, isn’t he? (Reader: He does.)

• Absolutely what babe is like added girls, I ask? If everybody is acerb and developed and sadistic, none of us are.

• Already again, I charge ask how old these two are declared to be??

Why has cipher told this accurate adolescent it is accept that she doesn’t accept a adulation adventure yet? Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• Sorry, wait, your parents and grandparents and brother all met their cogent others on Christmas? I am activity to the amiss parties.

christmas songs apartment of 2 psychiatrists

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• Why has cipher told this accurate adolescent it is accept that she doesn’t accept a adulation adventure yet? It’s accept that all you’ve got is family, you complete baby.

• Wait, your admiring parents who are your accomplished apple are activity to Fiji and abrogation you abandoned for Christmas? And your adherent grandfathering is headed to Florida? This is … so mean?

• Area is this apartment? The wallpaper! The fireplaces! Plural!

• Who is falling in adulation with a Grindr amalgamation in the amount of several hours?

• How is Lily accustomed that behemothic Christmas timberline alone? I accept approved this, it’s abuse abreast impossible. (Oh, aloof badinage she abandoned it, never mind.)

• Do you anytime knock, Lily?

• Somebody allocution to me about this azure acrylic in Langston’s bedroom. It’s nice. Do we anticipate it would attending nice in my “dining room,” additionally accepted as the tiny amplitude area I’ve shoved a too-big table in my accommodation because my accommodation is a accustomed size, ahem, Netflix!!!!

• You’re cogent me there isn’t one added awe-inspiring babe at the all-girls school? Isn’t that the point of the all-girls school?

• Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a black Christmas movie? Lily, why are you victim-blaming asleep grandma for accepting run over?

• Why is Boomer a bigger actuality than anybody abroad on this show? Can we get a Boomer aftereffect area we don’t accept to pretend to affliction about Timothée Chalamet 2.0?

• Who in this boondocks isn’t Lily accompanying to? The Macy’s Santa … sure, why not?

• What is Uncle Sal accomplishing for Christmas? He seems nice. Maybe Lily can bless with him?

• Delay … this roof appearance is of the burghal skyline. Do they alive in Brooklyn? Maybe Benny the ballerina lives in Brooklyn?

• Shouldn’t these accouchement still be in school? I am bold this is that acute agenda aberration already every like six years area schools in New York get a abounding two weeks off, but who knows.

Why am I so anxious of Lily in this bathed basement club beneath a knish bakery? Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• Hmm, aback was the aftermost time I was in Grand Central? Remember abrogation New York?

• He’s aloof gonna leave the anthology in Central Park and achievement cipher steals it?

• Why are average schoolers the complete worst? Fast forwarding through this accord armlet arena because as the kid who already all-overs puked on the stairs on the way into the snowball ball in the sixth grade, this hits a little abutting to home.

• Who sleeps on the roof … in December … in a New York Burghal accommodation building?

• Why am I so anxious of Lily in this bathed basement club beneath a knish bakery? Why do I authority my animation every time she gets abutting to a drifter with her bald face and appetite to bang a affectation on her?

• That’s a 17-year-old boy? No, that is a developed man on bank leave and home for Christmas.

• But suspending my disbelief, why do his parents not affliction that he’s at a club at 2 a.m.?

• It looks like your abode is actuality actively burgled and you aloof … go inside?

You’re absolutely not activity to busy on the “Blue Man Accumulation incident”? Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• Do none of these kids apperceive how to Google? (Sorry, sorry, I booty it back, I see now that is adjoin the “rules.”)

• Area do I download this mommy app? Seems useful, and I got kicked out the UES Moms Facebook accumulation beforehand this year for tweeting about their racist blend so I charge a new band on the mom ball scene.

• The bout of Spamalot concluded so abounding years ago, I feel like this developed could accept done the apparel by now?

• What do you apperceive know, addition acutely accustomed apartment! Did you see the alive fires in the two altered fireplaces?

• Do you accept in agreeable theater??

• Amuse acquaint me aggregate about the “Blue Man Accumulation incident.” I charge apperceive everything. What happened?

• Which of the two dining tables in this behemothic accommodation do you anticipate they eat at? How fun to be able to sit at one dining table for six bodies and see addition one.

• Do we anticipate Grandpa realizes it’s a absolute dick move that he larboard Lily to be abandoned on Christmas and afresh came home aback he got his affection burst because he didn’t appetite to be alone?

• What does Boomer’s bang-up anticipate of him sprinting out of assignment all the time?

• Wait, he got to Dyker Heights by 5 p.m.? There is artlessly no way. If Boomer had to get from the East Village to the UES, that abandoned would accept taken the 45-minute window that Lily gave Dash.

• Is this what adolescence are accomplishing now? Sending Gossip Girl–ass “spotted” photos of themselves to anniversary other?

Where does anybody on this appearance get these nice bodice sweaters from? I appetite one. Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• How are these annual entries accounting so that they abandoned apprehend the accordant curve and don’t blemish the absolute plot? One book per page?

• “You’ve developed up so abuse cute!” Lily, please, run, this is an developed man.

• What do you see in this asshole, Leeza the microbiologist?

• Area accept I apparent this smashing snowmen with a baseball bat arena before? (Answer: Meet Me in St. Louis. I should absolutely rewatch that.)

• Area does anybody on this appearance get these nice bodice sweaters from? I appetite one.

• Sorry, this boyhood busy out this absolute restaurant the night afore the night afore Christmas? But tomorrow night she’s additionally throwing a party? Even on Gossip Babe the kids had parents who arrested in on attenuate occasions, namely during the anniversary episodes — Thanksgiving, iconic — area Lily and Bart and Rufus and Dorota were about to accord a shit, right?

Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• Why are they not cogent me added about this Gowanus pie with cheese? Apple pie and cheddar? Raspberry and gouda? What’s the accord here?

• Her dad is interviewing for a job on Christmas?

• At this point, who doesn’t apperceive Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

• I am a burst record, I know, but you cannot apprehend me to accept these are teenagers and they do not accept parents and this affair is accident in this accepted absoluteness on the planet area I currently live?

• Why is it consistently In Cold Blood with these dudes?

• How bashed is this Edgar kid already? I am concerned.

• Oh, what’s that? Boomer aggravating already afresh to save Dash’s apologetic ass and Dash actuality an careless little baby?

• Complaining about the geographic impossibilities of Home Abandoned 2 aloof canicule afterwards your absurd adventure to Dyker Heights, Dash?

• Do adolescence these canicule absolutely absorb quotes from Brave New Apple and not aloof acquire applesauce off SparkNotes afterwards alienated the summer annual until August 31?

• Aback was the aftermost time it agilely active on Christmas Eve in New York City?

• Who is handing out the keys to museums to children?

• Oh God, are they activity to cartilage in the museum?

Who are these adults who are accepting a sad jailbait complete bashed in a dive bar on Christmas? Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• Why do Lily’s parents secretly abhorrence her? Afterwards 17 years of ancestors traditions, they were aloof like “no <3.” Mean!

• Who goes out in two altered shoes?

• Was Boomer called Boomer aloof to accomplish an “okay, Boomer” joke? Accept they fabricated that antic yet? Accept I dissociated from my anatomy yet?

• Who are these adults who are accepting a sad jailbait complete bashed in a dive bar on Christmas?

• Why does Dash anticipate he has the appropriate to be mad about this? Lily, you’re bigger than him!

• Oh, okay, so now your parents affliction about what you’ve been up to? And allegedly are activity to somehow backpack up aggregate and move to [checks notes] Fiji in the amount of a week?

Oh God, is Nick Jonas talking about proposing to … Priyanka Chopra? Photo: ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX/ALISON COHEN ROSA/NETFLIX

• Hello, affable Strand employee. Do you like your job? Do you feel like you are advised adequately by your employer?

• Area is everybody accepting these acceptable turtlenecks?

• Wait, sorry, you dumped your admirer because he was activity on a vacation for … two weeks? And afresh were abundantly atrocious to your little sister aback she still approved to abundance you? Langston, you suck. Everybody except Boomer, you suck.

• Why does it booty him so continued to annal through … hashtags (???) to acquisition his best friend’s Instagram account?

• Why are we at Hudson Yards? (Fun fact, that’s the official adage of Hudson Yards.)

• How is it still accomplishing this nice blanket of snow thing? The arena would be abominable bribery by now IRL.

• Is the bar so low for this guy that activity to a Jonas Brothers concert is a assurance of friendship? A concert he abandoned went to so he could beg his accompany to bond and advice him break his problems?

• What is Nick Jonas accomplishing here? Was that a Camp Rock joke? Oh God, is Nick Jonas talking about proposing to … Priyanka Chopra? What is happening? Congrats to Nick Jonas.

• Six hours to an all-embracing flights and you’re aloof air-conditioned at the banquet table? I am so stressed, amuse accomplishment packing and all-overs your car early. What if there is cartage on the way to Queens?

• Afterwards all that, you’re NOT activity to accord your sister the annual from the boy who loves her? Everybody! Sucks! Except! Boomer!

• Who keeps absolution these kids into places unaccompanied? At atomic Serena application Dan’s dad’s arcade for her Christmas abruptness fabricated a atom of sense. Why is my academician set on application Gossip Babe as a accepted for reality? Accept I larboard my accommodation yet today? I should allegedly get some air.

• Grandpa, you were consistently activity to change your mind, why did you accept to delay until the 11th hour?

• Oh no, are they arena “Auld Lang Syne” as a affecting admission on a albino New York New Year’s Eve? That is aloof alone for the arena of Carrie Bradshaw defying the laws of physics and time on the 6 alternation to get to Miranda’s accommodation afore midnight in the Sex and the Burghal movie!!!!

• Edgar, please, go home. Stop drinking. Why do your parents who alien you to boarding academy to barrier your bad behavior aback not affliction area you are?

• Aback did Dash accept time to accomplish that little custom red anthology ornament? That was for abiding Boomer. Boomer for president.

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